Where I've Been. Where I'm Headed.

"I construct my memories with my present. I am lost, abandoned in the present. I try in vain to rejoin the past: I cannot escape."

Jean-Paul Sartre wrote this in his novel Nausea. It's a wonderful read, and really satiates the mind as all great books do which deal with the meaning of all this. I may not be a huge reader, but it's still important to appreciate the classics.

More importantly (the quote gave me a laugh when I read it), Sartre seems to have perfectly captured my last few months in a sentence. Seriously.

Since last October, I've removed myself from many of my friends and loved ones. It was a purposeful choice almost; I just needed to get away. I needed to really sit down, catch my breath, and analyze my life and where I am taking it.

What I discovered was a bit of an eye-opener for me.

Obviously we were created with a taste for nostalgia. Each and every one of us tends to dwell on the past to one degree or another. I tend to dwell on it too much. But this was different: this period of self-exile. I had to ask myself some hard and (frankly) painful questions. What have I actually done with my life so far? Where do I want to be twenty years from now? Is it better to be successful in life or to be happy, should I be forced to choose?

In the end, the answers were quite clear. Of all the miserable people I know in this world, the overwhelming majority of them said their biggest regret was never summoning the courage to do what they wanted to in life career-wise.

You could say I've taken this to heart. Frankly, I'm sick of regrets. I'm barely 21 years old and I already have a truckload of them piled up. The last thing I need is another one that will haunt me the rest of my life.

So after much personal discovery, I've realized that I was given a calling to be a Marine. Maybe for a few years. Maybe for a lifetime. I can't say yet. But what I do know is that I am tired of running from this. I've been scared and juvenile about the whole matter, but no more.

So if you're still reading this then welcome. I'm resurrecting my old blog that I abandoned a while ago for no good reason. I want to write regularly throughout the summer, after which I plan to enlist. After that happens, well, I expect my posts to get more interesting.